Solitude..

I'm alone here.. My classmates have left. I m not leaving yet.. My train's at 5. But i'm lonely. This is what i am.. All by myself. Looking outside the window.. Longing ..

Hole in my soul...

I’ve put this Aerosmith song on repeat mode and I’ve been listening to it over and over and over again and everytime I listen to it… it sounds more beautiful.

And I think this is the most beautiful part of the song:

Theres a hole in my soul thats been killing me forever
Its a place where a garden never grows
Theres a hole in my soul, yeah I should have known better
cause your loves like a thorn without a rose…

aND THEN THERE’s this LINE :

Tell me how it feels to be
The one who turns the knife inside of me…

There can be no words to reproduce the effect these lines create… I think this song has one of the best lyrics…

But you know what?? You’d understand it better if you had a soul in you heart too…

Hole in my soul : Lyrics

another poem...

I know you’re just one of them…

My heart but does not understand…

It looks on, in hopes so vain

And stretches out a hopeful hand…

Desiring still, that you will be

The one to hold this hand in need…

Inside my head, a voice but warns…

Against all that my heart does plead…

-Evangeline

Random thoughts...

It would be so much easier if people around me stopped being nosey and minded their own business..
It's like I'm constantly being monitored by people who don't really matter much in my life.. infact i wonder if they matter at all..and then what pleasure can one get out of constantly looking at something that's of no concern to one??


ahh.. but life goes on..
-Evangeline

Today i clicked

My friend while we were in train and she was staring into her phone.

Another Incomplete Love Story # 2

His Side of the story 


Raj was thankful to God for letting him know Tina so well...

How well…?

They were best of friends... almost inseparables. In the little time they'd known each other, they had discussed everything about each other, they  shared troubles, advised each other, helped each other overcome difficult times. And the best part was... Tina was Shalini's friend.

He had liked Shalini for a while now. The minute he saw her pass by, he'd forget everything he was doing or thinking. He remembered this one time at the canteen he'd stood right behind her at the counter queue, he'd got a whiff of her shampooed hair that fell like dark brown silk threads, straight down, right till her waist. He liked Tina's curly long hair better, they made her look mysterious as an added advantage of her dark kohled black eyes and a slight duskiness in her complexion (He had imagined Cleopatra to resemble Tina often)  ... But Shalini looked like an angel... her skin was almost white and her flawless skin with lips that were the lightest shade of pink and twinkling little eyes made her appear like a carefully created heavenly creature.


He had told Tina about his liking for Shalini and she had time and again tried her best to mention it to Shalini in a way so as not to offend her and yet get her to like him. After weeks on end of begging she'd finally agreed to introduce him to her. He imagined shaking hands with her. So delicate her hands looked ... it was as if she were some precious piece of china that deserved to be shown off proudly and be handled with utmost care. The way she looked made him want to take care of her. It was just a crush he was sure...but the liking was beginning to grow. It made him nervous around her.

He had often considered Tina though... the reason he got about talking to her in the first place was the (hidden) fact that he'd actually liked her... She was this sort of a rebel... with music all around her. She was on every performing arts team, the music band the dance group, the reading society, the social service group, the women’s activist, she was a good orator, a crowd puller and she was so bouncy that it was hard to spot her steady at a place for long. She was seen on rallies supporting environment cleanliness often and was a little too loud for her tiny self. He liked her for being so outspoken... And then he'd even doubted that he would probably fall in love with her Cleopatra looks... 

But in time he’d realized it was impossible… She never looked like she needed someone to take care of her… She was happy on her own… she wasn’t fragile like the other girls were… She cribbed sometimes, but it was so short lived that 15 minutes into making fuss about something like a tornado had hit, she’d be seen eating an ice-cream with friends and laughing away like nothing in the world bothered her.

Shalini on the other hand was calm… and lady-like and looked fragile…

The day had finally come, tomorrow he’d be meeting Shalini… He kept his best clothes ironed and ready.. He’d even gotten his hair cut neat. He’d been trying to sleep for the last one hour, he had to wake up early, but sleep just wouldn’t come!...

Raj was not fickle minded… it was just a passing interest he had for Tina which had developed into a beautiful relationship he wanted to keep. Asking her out would have turned disastrous… It wouldn’t have worked out he often convinced himself… He was glad she was his best friend.

Somehow tonight he couldn’t stop thinking about her…

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Her Side Of the Story…

As she looked into the mirror and brushed her hair she wondered… Would this guy be the one?

The first time she’d seen him… she had noticed him for the way he looked… She remembered commenting on his looks once when she sat with Tina on the park-bench watching him play basket ball with the other guys.

She did feel a pinch of jealousy when she came to know he’d come around to talk to Tina a few days later.

She’d heard Tina speak of him on and off… Sometimes she thought Tina liked him too.

But gradually she’d started mentioning of his interest in her. At first she thought Tina was making fun of her and didn’t consider it seriously… but she caught him quite more than a couple of times staring at her unblinkingly often and had wanted to giggle… but always managed to suppress the giggles.

He looked strong and the kinds that would take care of her… She knew he wrote well, she’d read his writings on the magazine… But that’s all she knew about him. She agreed to see him because she had been impressed by his persistence.

Shalini wanted to get out of her family… Her parents got divorced when she was in High School and her dad had married again… Her step-mother was a high maintenance lady who didn’t give Shalini any trouble till she had her own child. Her dad also seemed to be less attached to her and more attached to the new baby... He did not however forget his duties of educating and sheltering his first daughter. She’d started hating her family… Being in class was more of an escape for her. Raj’s interest in her in a way made her hopeful…

She got up from the stool in front of the dressing table and put away her comb… She climbed into her bed and thought of him as sleep gently came to her…

She didn’t come to know when she fell asleep…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Next Day


The entire day had gone by very slowly for both Shalini and Raj… There was no class it was a holiday…

Tina was supposed to meet Raj at the Coffee place. Shalini would be coming with her… They’d fixed it for 5 in the evening… Raj looked at his watch for the 100^th time since he’d reached here… 4:45… why did the clock look dead when he wanted it to move faster…?  

A few minutes later he saw the girls walk in… She looked wonderful… the light pink frock she wore made her skin look pinker than ever…

He could feel his heart skipping a beat…

Tina ‘s voice chimed in and broke the silence…

Raj…  Tina…

Tina… Raj…

Intoroduction was done…

She spoke for a while to Raj casually, asked both of them what they’d like to have and then got up and went to the counter and left them to talk. Placing her order Raj saw Tina, telling the man behind the counter something while she pointed towards the reading corner… He nodded and she walked to the bookshelf and began looking at the books… She picked out one and sat on the bean bag under it to flip through the pages… He wished she’d look at him once… It would have helped him gather courage to start talking…

For a few minutes he kept staring at Tina and forgetting what he was here for… She looked so innocent, he wondered if he actually liked Tina more… what if this would be the end of their friendship… what if Shalini in course of time disapproved of their friendship… If he had to choose between Shalini and Tina… he knew he’d have chosen Tina… but here he was … sitting at the same table with the girl he thought he was almost in love with… while staring at his best friend… Someone he wanted to keep for life…


Their coffee came… Tina got hers where she sat….Shalini and Raj spoke for long… Tina watched them on and off to see if the conversation had ended… and then went back to reading her book…

The last time she looked up, they were laughing… Raj’s eyes met her… for a second he thought he saw her eyes brimming with tears… but she smiled and looked back at the book.. He must’ve imagined…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Third side of the Story

The latest entry in Tina’s Diary:

Dear Diary,

Today they met… I don’t know what made me think it would be easy to watch Raj laughing away with another woman… I know he likes her… And I know Shalini needs a guy like him… She needs to get out of the bad part of her life… she deserves better… She’s the most harmless soul I’ve ever met…

And Raj is the most decent and caring guy I’ve met…

What I did not know was the fact that no matter how noble a work it seemed, to get them together… it would mean giving up on a man I’d finally liked… When David had left me I had decided I’d never like another man again… I never knew I’d actually start liking Raj…

It’s all well I believe… I’ve been over with something worse than this… guess I’ll come to terms with it…

I’ll just cry this one off for a while…

Ah well…I just hope the two make each other happy…

I should go to sleep now… I have band practice early tomorrow morning… and the guitar needs new strings…

Omg...I don’t want to go to class…!

Tina

Bachchan Ji ka birthday

A well dressed man standing tall with that white signature beard of his... even at his 67th birthday looks and talks like he were still oh so young...

From the famous story where this man was rejected by the AIR today he stands as the most sought after compere and actor...

A personality that reflects charisma and charm... you could just keep watching him speak and not get bored...

He was crowned the star of the millennium by BBC

With the 84-episodes of Big Boss 3 getting him a paycheck of  Rs 15,000,000 for each and every episode .. Amitabh stands the highest paid TV Anchor 

Anyway.. Wishing him all the success ... Happy Birthday to him.. Long Live Bachchan Ji

Something more to Read

They...

They come and they go.. and you think they're here to stay.. but they aren't
they like you till you listen to them.. they like you till you believe in the same things they believe in and you do the same things that they do...
They support you till they want to and the moment they decide not to they speak behind your back of things they think were wrong and you still do them..
They make you look like a fool and leave you feeling bad for doing what you want to..
They rule your lives
The make your decisions
The minute you make your own...
they scrutinize you.. and leave you...
So do you need them?
You still do..
for every time one such of these goes... you feel like you've lost someone you liked..

Using the 'USE ME' bins.

A usual scene.. is this not?

Is it because we don't have dustbins around us?

Is it because we are uncivilized people?

Is this because we were never taught at schools not to litter?

Did our teachers not scold us when we threw around toffee wrappers or waste paper in the school campus?

Is it because we are just so careless about our surroundings?

Is it because we enjoy living in a dirty place?

Is this how we keep our houses?

Is this where we are supposed to throw the waste that does not belong in our house?

Is it just another thing to blame the government for like we always do, for mistakes we make?

Is it because we can't set an example by following this?

I try to be very careful to use dustbins to throw waste. I've had people laugh at me for that... 

Obviously you don't believe that.. here's one incident. I travel by train everyday to the Institute and back. One such day while returning, I bought myself a bottle of water. Here i must tell you, I (and one of my classmates) have managed to make a few friends ( read acquaintances) who travel daily by the same train. 

We had caught our seats and waited for the train to move... there was still more than an hour to go..

Meanwhile all the water in the bottle had finished, i got up went to the platform to find a dustbin to throw the bottle. When i returned and sat down... one of these people asked me where i had gone.. Knowing my (crazy) habit of obsessing about throwing waste in the dustbin.. my classmate told them that i must've gone to throw the bottle. This guy dismissed it with scoff and said "Why din't you just throw it out of the window?"

I said "I don't litter my home..."
He laughed, pulled out a small piece of paper and gave it to me saying "This is waste, throw this too..."I took the crumpled piece of paper and put it in my pocket and said, i'll throw this when i get back home... the dustbins a little far."

He suddenly changed his tone to say.. "Very good.. that's a very good habit".. I said.. "I'm glad you realized at least now." 


No one spoke for long after that.. 

Its a humble request.. Please keep my home clean... 
Don't tell others, don't preach.. but try and do this yourself. Till it becomes a habit. Its not difficult at all.. Just consider the place around you like you consider your home... keep your surroundings clean. The government has set up Dustbins in public places so that people use them. Do all you can to clean the place. Why do you need to be fined to stop littering... Are you agreeing to the fact that you need to be disciplined because you yourself have no sense of it? Are we not grown up enough to understand?

Gandhi Ji said  "The genesis for change is awareness. We cannot change what we don't acknowledge.."

So "Be the change you want to see in the world..." 

Because this is OUR homeland..

Another Incomplete Love Story # 1

She had been studying with him in the same class for the past 8 months. They'd been good friends and nothing more. They traveled by the same train in the afternoons... but all this while she'd never felt anything for him. And she was sure he hadn't either.

He used to get off one station before her and they'd meet the next day again in class.

A cloudy evening, as usual, after class they both rushed to catch their train. They'd usually part ways in the train. He had a group of friends three coaches away from where she preferred to sit. But today, they were late.

Both of them got there just in time to jump into the train that had started slowly moving. She jumped in first and moved ahead and turned back to make sure he'd followed. Once they got in they figured, the train was so crammed with people that there was not the tiniest place to move in... they got stuck at the foot board.

He leaned against the open door and put his arm across to the other side as if to block that way so that she might not fall. She kept both their bags on the luggage stand behind her and stood leaning back facing him. It was starting to drizzle now and tiny raindrops felt nice against her face after a tiring day. She closed her eyes to enjoy and said.. " so beautiful..".. nodding he replied "hmm..." and watched her, eyes closed facing outwards.

She knew he was watching... she could feel his gaze and it tickled her in a way. She opened her eyes to look at his face and caught him turning away suddenly. This felt oddly nice... As rain started pouring down gradually she watched his arm getting soaked wet and the rain hitting and drenching him on the right side of his back not letting it reach her.

She let out a sigh..

The train jolted suddenly and to keep her balance she held his wrist for a moment and suddenly let go. He looked at her and smiled...

The train had slowed down and the rain was heavy... he suddenly leaned forward towards her.. so close that she could feel his breath against her face.. as she closed her eyes again, the coldness from the rain made her almost wish for a moment that he'd hold her warm. She could feel his arm reaching around her...

 After a short awkward silence she opened her eyes to realize he'd reached behind to pick his bag from the stand, he still stood close their glances met.. for a small moment.

They both looked away at the same time.. and he moved back..

She started giggling and he burst out into a soft laughter watching her.. For a couple of minutes they both laughed as the train pulled up at the station where he was supposed to get down. As he got down and others pushed behind him, he turned back to wink at her.. and she moved back inside smiling at him...

As people moved out, she caught herself a seat and sat there, recollecting that tingling sensation that ran through her in the last few minutes. She thought back on what had just happened and smiled and slapped her forehead softly. This was so silly and so not possible she thought to herself... this would never work out...

The next day she walked into class again, but nothing had changed. She smiled at him and sat in the front most row like she always did. And he smiled back from his seat in the last row of chairs in the room... That afternoon they weren't in the same coach.. he went his way, as she took her usual seat.

Feelingless...

But now I am,
So feelingless...
No joy, no sorrow..
and no distress...

No one to love,
No one to hate...
No strong opinion,
No weak debate...

No will to sing,
No want to dance...
No zest to take,
A risk or chance...

What i had been,
I am no more...
What is today,
Was not before...

What tomorrow is,
I yet don't know...
My victories, my medals,
No more to show...

I am no winner..
I did not win.
A sinner though...
For i did sin...

...

Anjali sat down next to the little star shaped fish pond in her yard. A goldfish chased another under a little cave like structure she'd made with pebbles. The sun was setting, it wouldn't be long before it turned dark and then again another day... days were passing fast, but so emptily. Apart from her college and house work she hadn't much to do. She'd set up her canvas to paint but she was never in the mood and ended up packing it all up and putting it back.

She thought back to see how futile everything she'd done in the past was... and how nothing bore results that made her proud to be herself.. and everything looked like a mistake.. and people.. she'd never understood them. She thought she did, only to be proven wrong every time.

And here she was, where were her friends? she had none she realized. But that didn't make her cry.. She did feel alone.. but not depressingly alone.
It was like she'd created a world of her own. And she was heartless... no, not cruel.. just heartless... like emotionless.. or she'd become like that through time...

She used to like reading till she but then now that there were house chores all the time, she couldn't involve herself in a book as religiously as she used to..

She sighed and stood up.. the fish seemed to do fine.. they didn't have to think or toil.. she fed tehm and cleaned the pond when it needed to be cleaned... they just had to swim around and look beautiful and act tender.

Fetching for the hose to water the plants before night set in, Anjali's thoughts wandered yet again.. Yes she had forgotten him.. and he had forgotten her.. but what she couldn't forget was the child that was no more..
But then again.. had she forgotten him? She had definitely stopped loving him... she loved the old him, the one who used to be with her.. she hated the one who was engaged to that girl.
But that girl knew nothing.. but every time she looked at the mirror.. she thought of the child.. She never thought of him such a coward.. and God knew she wanted to keep it.. but how would she answer others? and it wasn't just about her.. it was about three families...

But then all the time he made her known of his love.. had he been making it up... she couldn't believe it.. no.. he was the  best but then why did he go? Why couldn't he own up for a mistake he made? why did he leave her in the middle of nowhere with no one to help.. and no place to go.. she knew why she'd turned heartless.. she wanted that child back. She knew she'd made the biggest mistake by giving it up...

Teardrop...

A smile that faded...
A heart that cried...
A little wish was made..
it died...

The sun that set...
Silence that spoke...
A heart that only loved..
it broke...

And yet she'd wait...
And smile through tears..
the star of hope that would..
appear...

...A poem...

So I’m back,

Here again…

Weeping and crying...

And dying in pain…

A pain of which

I’d never known...

Unlike being beaten…

Or being stoned…

The pain of knowing...

Something’s amiss...

Being lost in what has been and is…

A dread of losing,

What’s treasured most!

A chapter written…

Another closed…

I see no more…

I hear no more…

Of what is now…

What’s been before…?

I care no less...

If time exists…

This grief, a visitor,

Still visits.

Absorbing into…

Each breath of mine…

A secret plan…

A cruel design…

To take from me,

What is mine…

The earth and heaven did combine…

To conspire and...

To steal it all

And let again

The pain befall

And ruin every

Precious dream

I couldn’t help,

But softly scream...

So soft, that no one

But I could hear

My heart it beat…

And wept with fear

A day, one more…

I begged…I tried…

I swear, I knelt, I prayed…. I cried…

The heaven yet… it did not see…

My tears, it didn’t hear my plea…

Weak, defeated…

And betrayed…

No more reason, to hope or wait…

Shadows and darkness now surround…

Stillness and fear…

All around…

I put out my hand,

For help, I scream…

I fall asleep…

Cry in my dream…

You won’t return,

Once you are gone…

You’ll leave my life…

Ripped and torn…

And from every piece, the dripping blood

Shall kill, destroy…

And stain… and flood…

And finish what,

So far has been…

What is and what’s to be seen…

And all but you shall remain…

To hear my voice, call you again…

You’ll look around,

But find me not…

A voice you knew…

But you forgot…

I’ll whisper that,

I’m in the air…

And run my fingers through your hair…

And touch your lips,

And kiss your eye…

And pretend that

I’m still alive…

Though you won’t

See or feel…

My voice you shall…

Always hear.

For if the world…

Steals you from me…

I’ll die to come…

Where you will be…

And speak to you

Of my love, once more…

And remind you, of that which was before…

-Eva

All for a TV show...

Charles Osgood said "Babies are always more trouble than you thought..."

except here we are,  watching babies in much more trouble than they thought they'd get into...

NDTV Imagine seems to be leaning on Reality shows to keep itself top on the TRP rating list... After Rakhi ka Swayamwar (which i followed religiously per-episode), its Pati, Patni aur Woh... With NGO's slamming charges of Violation of Child Rights, the Show is all over the news. Obviously other channels are hyping it up well but NDTV Imagine is strongly defending its program. They say the parents of these children are watching the way their babies are being treated continously through cameras... and at any point during the show they're allowed to back off if they think their is any sort of slack behavior while dealing with the child...

The only comment i 'd make is .. the parents are really inconsiderate and heartless to let their babies(who can't speak for themselves), be tortured day and night, in this manner by couples who 

a) know nothing about parenting

b) who are not even remotely related to the babies

c) who are only doing this for fame

It's not even like letting a baby sitter take care of your child for 2-3 hours.. this is making them stay with a new set of parents who don't really want to take care of them except for want of winning the title of a reality show... Kalyug indeed...