to you...

You keep me waiting so long, my dear..
My heart's been yearning so long to hear...
words of love, that you will speak..
Its said you'll find what you shall seek...
I ask, I seek, and yes I knock..
A door, a boulder, a heavy rock...
That opened not, it never budged...
You mocked, presumed and you judged..
My voice but, you did not hear...
Did you see the drop of tear...?
You wouldn't.. you don't want to see...
Blind, in your aim to achieve...
That which to you is of worth..
Makes you oblivious to my dearth...
Should I then still wait for you...
Or forget it all, and just like you...
A materialistic life pursue,
And pretend to be happy too...?

-Evangeline

Random .. very... and Late...

I'm feeling weird..

ok... 1:56 am and i'm not asleep.. i was making changes in the class blog..

Some people are so stupid.. They irritate you and yet they have to be around..

Sometimes you wish they'd disappear... but then that doesn't happen.. and what happens instead is that.. when they aren't around finally.. you end up reflecting back on how they irritate you.. and THAT irritates you so much more... because it's like this certain level of patience you have has reached long back and now its as if the irritation's overflowing... and it's contained and you'll burst... any moment... but to what effect?? You'll just be more irritated... perhaps feel like pulling off your hair... a Disprin might help here sometimes... but not always...

2:02 am I'm sleepy and not sleepy at the same time... i have to wake up tomorrow for class.. I don't want to wake up..

Yes i want to go to class but i don't want to wake up... i hate waking up early... and if i don't catch my usual train i'd never reach in time for the first class... There are only two classes in a day.. what's the use if you don't reach for the first hour..

oooooh i bought new sandals.. I think I'm going to wear them tomorrow.. Oh yea and I like transparent nail paint..

So by far.. my new footwear is the only good thing happening to me...

I don't think there's a bad thing happening... except maybe a few irritating kind of people who i mentioned earlier...

hmph...

2:06 am .. i think i better go to bed... why are all my friends offline... i wish i had someone to chat with...

2:07am.. still thinking... don't feel like...

Gmail.. 34 unread.. old class reports...

wait let me clear my inbox... brb..

2:14am... cleared :D

Haven't visited my Yahoo mail for long.. it must be cluttered...

ok i think I'm starting to get sleepy...

off to bed .. Signing out... :D ...zzzZZzzz..

Eva

Today morning..

My cousins, from home yesterday...an 8 year old and a 13 year old... I had to keep the internet out of their reach (or sight).. So i just locked everything away and didn't touch it myself :D..

Didn't go to church yet... I 'll go in the evening..
I thought i wanted to sleep, but as soon as everyone left, I pulled out the laptop and connected everything back...

Today might be different :D
Today might be the day ..
A decision shall be taken..
To change everything around
A foundation shall be laid..
to what will be in future..
Mine.

Eva :)

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas :)

2:37 am.. i just returned from Church after the midnight service..

Admist tons of "Merry Christmas" SMSes flowing in just when it struck twelve, a sleepy me waited for the mass to get over...

It isn't half as good as it were back in Noida... There it used to start a few weeks before christmas... all the carol singing and crib decoration and house visits and cake cuttings. I remember staying back late at the church to practice carols to be sung on Christmas eve during the mass.. I remember Sandra ma'am going over and over again to make each one of us in the choir to get the notes right. And the tea they used to get us .. was like life-saver from the chilling cold and endless practice.

Its just so calm here.. doesn't feel like Christmas used to feel.

But then after a whole year of scattered living.. This is one time my whole(small :P) family is together.. My dad and my sister are back home.. :) It feels good to have them around...

:D Merry Christmas yet again!

The walk..

So, you tread on pebbles when you walk on a road...

I've tread on pebbles too,,,

big ones and small..

I stumble, I fall...

And get myself back on my feet again..

Walk and think I'll be careful this time..

So when I walk, I watch out

At all that is in sight, I doubt..

But now that i watch and doubt and look..

I cannot enjoy the road i took...

I'd rather enjoy, I decide

I cast my doubts, my fears aside

And I stumble on a rock again...

But this one time, I don't complain..

For I decided to stumble and fall..

A bruise it made, really small...

After all what's life without mistakes..

How unexciting without risks you take...

Don't call me careless, do not judge

I have no complaints, I have no grudge..

For my days of crying are long gone..

I don't care, of what's right or what's wrong..

It 'll happen again, I don't fight anymore

The pain's all gone, it hurts no more..

:)

i miss...

I swear, sitting at home is boring...

My PC's still dead, i'm using my dad's laptop..

Oh i never mentioned my PC's dead yeah..

I miss class!

and Christma's still looks far..

I miss Delhi, I miss my church and i reeeeeallly miss carol singing!

Review- The Blessing[Velsignelse]

The Blessing[Velsignelse]

Denmark, 35mm, 75 minutes

Dir: Heidi Maria Faisst

Theme

Motherhood

Review

I feel, the movie juxtaposes two mother-daughter relationships to put across the theme.

While Katrina, in her becoming a mother, finds herself ruined, Katrina’s mother Lise cannot digest the fact that her daughter did not ask her to visit while she was in labour.

Both the daughters need their mothers, but Rosa can’t get hers while Lise supports Katrine as much as she can. Lise is ready ti take care of Katrine’s child when she realizes Katrine can’t.

We see how Katrine cannot come to terms with her new identity or role of a mother. When she looks at herself in the mirror, she finds herself responding with disappointment and surprise at her changed physical appearance.

While talking to her relatives about the delivery, Katrine compares it to the pain of  a “gallstone” being removed from her body. She appears uncomfortable with holding or breast-feeding the child. She even goes on to ask Lise “Can you feel that you love me?” indicating that she can’t feel the same for Rosa.

We see an inner struggle that Katrine goes through in coming to terms with motherhood and her journey through a tough time accepting truth. She decides to run, escape and hide but nothing works till she finally tries herself to work towards building a closer relationship to the child.

Lighting

A lot of scenes involving Rosa and Katrine, in the bedroom are shot with a red tinge on Katrine’s face. Even when Lise and Katrine are in the same room, a paler shade falls on Lise’s face while Katrine’s still seen in the reddish light. This might heighten the mental conflict and anger-like state her mind is in.

The pattern on the wall, often appear like cracks and seem to emphasize Katrine’s frustration.

Camera

The camera appears to be like an intruder watching the moves of the characters . There were noticeable shakes in the camera and an unnatural movement of zooming is used in places.

Narrator

An omniscient, intruder-like narrator.

The Role of the Husband/Boyfriend

As opposed to the conventional idea of the man being more inconsiderate, Andrea, Katrine’s boyfriend and Rosa’s father is extremely supportive, sometimes to fantastical levels.

Not only is he caring, but when Katrine leaves him and the child, he goes in search of her. He makes sure till the end that he sticks by her and takes care of her and the child.

I see a reversal of roles here, with fatherhood rising to a greater level than motherhood.

Pace

The movie was well paced, short, had no flash-backs or fast forwards.

Review- Ramanam [Night Sky] M. P. Sukumaran Nair

Night Sky

Dir:  M.P.Sukumaran Nair

Malayalam, 116 minutes

Theme

The movie throws a light on the baseless separation in society with regard to religion and community.

Story

Ramanam or ‘the Night Sky’ shows the life of a rich muslim merchant, Thangal, in rural Kerala. Thangal upholds age old family traditions, is helpful in nature and is a man of ecular beliefs. The story takes us through a part of his life where he decides to help Neeli, a girl found unconscious on ‘Valiya Thangal’s’ grave. Neeli, as we come to know later is the wife of a naxalite who is caught bythe police. She is a Hindu woman and is in the family way.

At about the same time we come to know that Thangal’s wife is also pregnant with a girl child.

Thangal pays for Neeli’s requirement and makes sure she gets all care required till the time her baby is delivered. However, Neeli dies as soon as she gives birth to a baby boy. Thangal at this point of time is at his place where his wife is also about to deliver the child. As soon as the girl is born, Thangal’s helpers come to inform him of Neeli’s death.

He names his own girl, Pookunji Beevi and Neeli’s Child is called Kunjali. He decides to adopt the child even though he’s of a Hindu origin. He requires of his wife to feed Kunjali too. His wife, doesn’t appreciate Thangal’s decision to adopt the child and despises him, but obeys her husband with repeated taunts about the boy.

Kunjali is made to stay with the house maid. A lovable woman with a husband who never cares for her, she takes care of Kunjali as if he were the son she never had. Pookunji and Kunjali grow up together. Infact, we see Thangal just as much careful with Kunjali’s upbringing, as he is of his own daughter’s.

While the society murmers against Thangal’s decisions, he remains unaffected. Kunjali is converted into a Muslim and is circumcised, there are objections to this but Thangal ignores, revising the fact that when the child was motherless, no Hindu woman turned up to help him. The child had to be breast-fed by a muslim woman.

Meanwhile, Pookunji grows up to go against conservative Muslim laws with the support of her father and ‘brother’.  She becomes a student politician and learns the Hindu temple art ‘Nangyarkoothu’.

Once while preparing to perform this at a temple festival, the temple committee disagrees with Pookunji performing at the temple as a response to the post-Babri-Masjid riots in the country.

However, pookunji with the help of her fellow student supporters performs. The stage but, is set to fire in retaliation.

The movie ends with Pookunji’s decorated body lying lifeless on the sea shore.

References in the story to the Title

The Night sky is constantly referred to, not directly, but, through constant recitals of Myths that involve the moon or heavenly objects as central characters.

The Moon is given the identity of an indulgent lover mostly.

Pace

The movie spans over 116 minutes. Within the movie, over 20 years are covered. The pace of the movie however seems a little slow with the idea of ‘deep thought’ or a ‘troubled mind’ is emphasized with longer shots involving little or no noticeable action.

Narrator

An omniscient narrator tells the story of what happens to Thangal and his life mostly.

However, parts of the movie also focus on Beekutty and Kunjali’s relation with a  doubtful question on whether or not, Beekutty’s fascination for her brother was beyond a brother-sister relation.

Characters

I feel the movie shows a clear cut distinction between ‘good’ and ‘bad’. Though no one is entirely bad, Thangal, I think is portrayed very ‘white’ as is his attendant played by Indrans.

Thangal’s wife in ‘grey shades’ seems closer to black. She is a little selfish, forever taunting and cribs almost always.

The children, the maid servant and her husband come across as purely innocent.

The Princess and the Jin

The maid recites to Pookunji, the myth of the princess who wants to marry a Jin and in her desire is found “kissed to death” by a Jin on the night she was married. “She lay on the seashore dressed in Silk and Gold”. The movie ends with Pookunji on the sea sore in the exact manner while even as an end to the act she was supposed to put up on the stage. With a bird’s eye-view angle of the camera, her being alone is emphasized, while her father lies dead on the verandah.

Review - Land of Scarecrows

Land of Scarecrows [Heosabideuleui ddang]

Dir: Gyeong-tae Roh

South Korea, 2008

90 mins.

Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1

Ji-Young is a young installation artist. A woman biologically, Young believes herself to be a man. She wears men’s apparel to hide her feminine body structure. During her stay in Philippines, she meets Rain, a beautiful shy girl appearing among other young girls as a contender for eligible suitors for a matchmaking agency.

Young manages to persuade Rain to marry her by her convincing dress up as a man. A few days into the marriage, Rain starts feeling cheated and lonely as the couple enjoys no physical relation. One night she discovers Young’s identity and the fact that the “man” she married is actually a woman, dawns upon her. In a torn mental state but not shy anymore, Rain leaves… she meets Loi Tan, a good-looking boy, working as a dishwasher and looking for his father in the Philippines.

Rain eventually falls in love with Loi.

Themes

1)      An idea of being cheated or snatched off, an identity that one desires

2)      A search

The idea of being Cheated

Right from the onset of the movie there’s a delusive element, this I feel is emphasized by the first scene where the scarecrow is set up in a barren land. A scarecrow is used during a full harvest and has no use in a barren land. Young feels cheated by nature for not biologically making her a man. Rain is cheated by Young into believing her and marrying her. Loi Tan is cheated by his parents.

The Search

There’s a sense of incompleteness the 3 characters go through. Young blames her life at the wasteland as the reason for her “transgender-ness”. She wants to be a man. She is searching for that identity and has gone through every possible wayto getherself cured.

Rain is shy, she desires to be a wife to a Korean man. Once married to Young, she desires to be bodily united with ‘him’ and be loved. She fails to achieve this. She feels incomplete and is seen till almost the end, searching for her Korean man.

Tan’s constant search is for his identity as a son to a father who left him. This search brings him to Philippines.

Narrator

An omniscient narrator, starts by telling us the story of 3 different people and then knits it all together into one.

Structure and Pace

           

The film moves in a linear fashion at a uniform pace with no flashbacks or fast forwards. However the movie appears a little slow often, with some frames excellent in composition but with really slow and little action, making you wish it would move a little faster.

The Bed

I don’t to call it a prop as much but the bed I feel, represents Young’s and Rain’s married life. From a cozy place filling the entire screen in the first few times its shown, the bed starts appearing abandoned with crumpled bed-spreads and a part of it starts being excluded as if to emphasize some sort of uncomfortable incompleteness.

The image of the bed once Rain leaves with the bedspread crumpled on one side, strewn clothes all over and Young sitting alone, in its being a representation of the end of the married relationship, even resembles the barren land with a scarecrow at a level.

Light and Setting

Most of the shots appear to be shot in natural light. Shots with vast landscapes emphasize empty spaces. Shots within closed spaces and rooms are dark as if an element of secrecy is present.

Frames

My favourite part of the movie is the way the shots have been framed. The frames are beautiful though simple. The ‘Rule of Thirds’ has been used abundantly, along with the noticeable use of lines in vast landscapes. Shadows and Darkness are complimentary to the mental state of a character being shown.

At the IFFK...

The first day...

I reached Kalabhavan at 9 am.. after an advance online booking, got my i -card at 2:30 in the afternoon. watched the 3 o'clock show..A Land of Scarecrows...

I've watched 7 movies so far:

A Land of Scarecrows

Jerichow

Night Sky

Lights in the dusk

The Blessing

Road To Confluence

I'm alive

So far Road to Confluence is my favorite.. an excellent movie, it can make you tearful with patriotism on and off.. Not to mention the excellent acting by Paresh Rawal and Om Puri.. its a must watch

Following this would come The Blessing, Night Sky and Jerichow..

The rest were not so much of my liking.

Reviews coming up on my blog soon :)

Hoax Mails

Its surprising (and irritating) to see how hoax e-mails are being circulated. I get at the least 3 mails per day with a "Fwd: x n" in the subject line...
A recent one is at the end of this post.. 
I don't understand how people fall for such things and forward it to their list... I mean who'll pay some crippled orphan person money for someone else forwarding mails, that too on various servers?? If there are stupid world record signature mails.. where will they go? to whom will they reach... who'll decide what number of people have to put in their name... how do you know one person hasn't put in 5 names..
In my free time i like to checkup these hoaxes by copy pasting the material on google or checking out hoax-slayer.com


Check out this link for the latest updates: http://www.hoax-slayer.com/latest-information.html 


And here's the mail i got today... i wish AOL were as generous to me..
Pleeeeeeez, Read this... & forward it.....
Forward to as much as you can. Dear Reader,
I am writing this on behalf of my loving husband.
Everything was fine, me, my husband and our three children. We had a happy family.. My husband was an Engineer in a big company. He comes home early and helps me with the house chores and plays with the children...
Our dreams were shattered in front of our eyes last week. It was a drunk lorry driver, who came on the wrong side and hit us and went. It killed my little baby girl and left my husband paralyzed.. My husband is still in the hospital. His brain is damaged and he needs an operation. I need 5 lakhs to save his life. I have collected about 3 lahks from my friends and family. I need another 2 lakhs.I don't want to lose him. He is such a wonderful husband & father.
He still doesn't know we lost our little girl. I am looking after my son
now... Without my husband I won't be able to take care of him. Please help
me save my husband the one person I dearly love. I have already lost my daughter and I don't want to lose my husband as well. Please help us. Thank you for your r love & support. May God bless you.

Yours Truly,
Nirosha Silva

(I know you don't like to forward mails. I am really sorry to bother you. If you have a heart and like to help a family, please forward this mail. Every time you forward this it will add 5 cents per email ID to AOL and they will deposit it into my bank account. Which will help me save my husband.)

It grows..

A scar ... It grew.. Its tender vines climb up.. Entwine themselves on each part of me...

Mortalitas incomitata..

And i try..
To hold the pieces together,
and not cry.. For i know,
if i were to let go ..
There will be a void..
But i..
So feelinglessly hold it tied.. Its a lie..
I have nomore to say..
Im mortal.. Im alone..

Existence..

For i know yet I need to live on,
Though what i am, matters not.. I exist.. Not the way i want to.. But the way of the world.. I'm contained within,
Yet outward ..I spread out.. Where i am shadows form.. And where i'm not.. Light remains..

Workspace

My space..

Undead

When threatened to still suffer existence.. The pain endured is lesser than any physical injury.. And hurting oneself heightens that sense of ecstasy that comes from understanding that beyond all this is probably a world where you can feel no more..

...

And pensively i lay.. looking into endlessness...
my thoughts, my self, all at war within
I softly smiled.. insane i felt..
For inside my head i could feel my mind writhe..
For every time i smiled..
I heard my mind mock me..
for putting up a show..
for defying...
for pretending..
for denying..
but relentlessly smiling.. with no meaning..

I laughed at myself.. for reaching this point..
my own foolishness, my own mistakes..
but perhaps it would mount up soon..
to reach a level where it would hurt no more..

-Evangeline

I must be a really bad person .. and someone with a lot of time on me too... to put this up here , but i visited the Deccan Chronicle site and found the date wrong on the article, left a comment (which had to be approved by the moderator).. with no effect even till  late in the night..  Circled in read..

Solitude..

I'm alone here.. My classmates have left. I m not leaving yet.. My train's at 5. But i'm lonely. This is what i am.. All by myself. Looking outside the window.. Longing ..

Hole in my soul...

I’ve put this Aerosmith song on repeat mode and I’ve been listening to it over and over and over again and everytime I listen to it… it sounds more beautiful.

And I think this is the most beautiful part of the song:

Theres a hole in my soul thats been killing me forever
Its a place where a garden never grows
Theres a hole in my soul, yeah I should have known better
cause your loves like a thorn without a rose…

aND THEN THERE’s this LINE :

Tell me how it feels to be
The one who turns the knife inside of me…

There can be no words to reproduce the effect these lines create… I think this song has one of the best lyrics…

But you know what?? You’d understand it better if you had a soul in you heart too…

Hole in my soul : Lyrics

another poem...

I know you’re just one of them…

My heart but does not understand…

It looks on, in hopes so vain

And stretches out a hopeful hand…

Desiring still, that you will be

The one to hold this hand in need…

Inside my head, a voice but warns…

Against all that my heart does plead…

-Evangeline

Random thoughts...

It would be so much easier if people around me stopped being nosey and minded their own business..
It's like I'm constantly being monitored by people who don't really matter much in my life.. infact i wonder if they matter at all..and then what pleasure can one get out of constantly looking at something that's of no concern to one??


ahh.. but life goes on..
-Evangeline

Today i clicked

My friend while we were in train and she was staring into her phone.

Another Incomplete Love Story # 2

His Side of the story 


Raj was thankful to God for letting him know Tina so well...

How well…?

They were best of friends... almost inseparables. In the little time they'd known each other, they had discussed everything about each other, they  shared troubles, advised each other, helped each other overcome difficult times. And the best part was... Tina was Shalini's friend.

He had liked Shalini for a while now. The minute he saw her pass by, he'd forget everything he was doing or thinking. He remembered this one time at the canteen he'd stood right behind her at the counter queue, he'd got a whiff of her shampooed hair that fell like dark brown silk threads, straight down, right till her waist. He liked Tina's curly long hair better, they made her look mysterious as an added advantage of her dark kohled black eyes and a slight duskiness in her complexion (He had imagined Cleopatra to resemble Tina often)  ... But Shalini looked like an angel... her skin was almost white and her flawless skin with lips that were the lightest shade of pink and twinkling little eyes made her appear like a carefully created heavenly creature.


He had told Tina about his liking for Shalini and she had time and again tried her best to mention it to Shalini in a way so as not to offend her and yet get her to like him. After weeks on end of begging she'd finally agreed to introduce him to her. He imagined shaking hands with her. So delicate her hands looked ... it was as if she were some precious piece of china that deserved to be shown off proudly and be handled with utmost care. The way she looked made him want to take care of her. It was just a crush he was sure...but the liking was beginning to grow. It made him nervous around her.

He had often considered Tina though... the reason he got about talking to her in the first place was the (hidden) fact that he'd actually liked her... She was this sort of a rebel... with music all around her. She was on every performing arts team, the music band the dance group, the reading society, the social service group, the women’s activist, she was a good orator, a crowd puller and she was so bouncy that it was hard to spot her steady at a place for long. She was seen on rallies supporting environment cleanliness often and was a little too loud for her tiny self. He liked her for being so outspoken... And then he'd even doubted that he would probably fall in love with her Cleopatra looks... 

But in time he’d realized it was impossible… She never looked like she needed someone to take care of her… She was happy on her own… she wasn’t fragile like the other girls were… She cribbed sometimes, but it was so short lived that 15 minutes into making fuss about something like a tornado had hit, she’d be seen eating an ice-cream with friends and laughing away like nothing in the world bothered her.

Shalini on the other hand was calm… and lady-like and looked fragile…

The day had finally come, tomorrow he’d be meeting Shalini… He kept his best clothes ironed and ready.. He’d even gotten his hair cut neat. He’d been trying to sleep for the last one hour, he had to wake up early, but sleep just wouldn’t come!...

Raj was not fickle minded… it was just a passing interest he had for Tina which had developed into a beautiful relationship he wanted to keep. Asking her out would have turned disastrous… It wouldn’t have worked out he often convinced himself… He was glad she was his best friend.

Somehow tonight he couldn’t stop thinking about her…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Her Side Of the Story…

As she looked into the mirror and brushed her hair she wondered… Would this guy be the one?

The first time she’d seen him… she had noticed him for the way he looked… She remembered commenting on his looks once when she sat with Tina on the park-bench watching him play basket ball with the other guys.

She did feel a pinch of jealousy when she came to know he’d come around to talk to Tina a few days later.

She’d heard Tina speak of him on and off… Sometimes she thought Tina liked him too.

But gradually she’d started mentioning of his interest in her. At first she thought Tina was making fun of her and didn’t consider it seriously… but she caught him quite more than a couple of times staring at her unblinkingly often and had wanted to giggle… but always managed to suppress the giggles.

He looked strong and the kinds that would take care of her… She knew he wrote well, she’d read his writings on the magazine… But that’s all she knew about him. She agreed to see him because she had been impressed by his persistence.

Shalini wanted to get out of her family… Her parents got divorced when she was in High School and her dad had married again… Her step-mother was a high maintenance lady who didn’t give Shalini any trouble till she had her own child. Her dad also seemed to be less attached to her and more attached to the new baby... He did not however forget his duties of educating and sheltering his first daughter. She’d started hating her family… Being in class was more of an escape for her. Raj’s interest in her in a way made her hopeful…

She got up from the stool in front of the dressing table and put away her comb… She climbed into her bed and thought of him as sleep gently came to her…

She didn’t come to know when she fell asleep…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Next Day


The entire day had gone by very slowly for both Shalini and Raj… There was no class it was a holiday…

Tina was supposed to meet Raj at the Coffee place. Shalini would be coming with her… They’d fixed it for 5 in the evening… Raj looked at his watch for the 100^th time since he’d reached here… 4:45… why did the clock look dead when he wanted it to move faster…?  

A few minutes later he saw the girls walk in… She looked wonderful… the light pink frock she wore made her skin look pinker than ever…

He could feel his heart skipping a beat…

Tina ‘s voice chimed in and broke the silence…

Raj…  Tina…

Tina… Raj…

Intoroduction was done…

She spoke for a while to Raj casually, asked both of them what they’d like to have and then got up and went to the counter and left them to talk. Placing her order Raj saw Tina, telling the man behind the counter something while she pointed towards the reading corner… He nodded and she walked to the bookshelf and began looking at the books… She picked out one and sat on the bean bag under it to flip through the pages… He wished she’d look at him once… It would have helped him gather courage to start talking…

For a few minutes he kept staring at Tina and forgetting what he was here for… She looked so innocent, he wondered if he actually liked Tina more… what if this would be the end of their friendship… what if Shalini in course of time disapproved of their friendship… If he had to choose between Shalini and Tina… he knew he’d have chosen Tina… but here he was … sitting at the same table with the girl he thought he was almost in love with… while staring at his best friend… Someone he wanted to keep for life…


Their coffee came… Tina got hers where she sat….Shalini and Raj spoke for long… Tina watched them on and off to see if the conversation had ended… and then went back to reading her book…

The last time she looked up, they were laughing… Raj’s eyes met her… for a second he thought he saw her eyes brimming with tears… but she smiled and looked back at the book.. He must’ve imagined…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Third side of the Story

The latest entry in Tina’s Diary:

Dear Diary,

Today they met… I don’t know what made me think it would be easy to watch Raj laughing away with another woman… I know he likes her… And I know Shalini needs a guy like him… She needs to get out of the bad part of her life… she deserves better… She’s the most harmless soul I’ve ever met…

And Raj is the most decent and caring guy I’ve met…

What I did not know was the fact that no matter how noble a work it seemed, to get them together… it would mean giving up on a man I’d finally liked… When David had left me I had decided I’d never like another man again… I never knew I’d actually start liking Raj…

It’s all well I believe… I’ve been over with something worse than this… guess I’ll come to terms with it…

I’ll just cry this one off for a while…

Ah well…I just hope the two make each other happy…

I should go to sleep now… I have band practice early tomorrow morning… and the guitar needs new strings…

Omg...I don’t want to go to class…!

Tina

Bachchan Ji ka birthday

A well dressed man standing tall with that white signature beard of his... even at his 67th birthday looks and talks like he were still oh so young...

From the famous story where this man was rejected by the AIR today he stands as the most sought after compere and actor...

A personality that reflects charisma and charm... you could just keep watching him speak and not get bored...

He was crowned the star of the millennium by BBC

With the 84-episodes of Big Boss 3 getting him a paycheck of  Rs 15,000,000 for each and every episode .. Amitabh stands the highest paid TV Anchor 

Anyway.. Wishing him all the success ... Happy Birthday to him.. Long Live Bachchan Ji

Something more to Read

They...

They come and they go.. and you think they're here to stay.. but they aren't
they like you till you listen to them.. they like you till you believe in the same things they believe in and you do the same things that they do...
They support you till they want to and the moment they decide not to they speak behind your back of things they think were wrong and you still do them..
They make you look like a fool and leave you feeling bad for doing what you want to..
They rule your lives
The make your decisions
The minute you make your own...
they scrutinize you.. and leave you...
So do you need them?
You still do..
for every time one such of these goes... you feel like you've lost someone you liked..

Using the 'USE ME' bins.

A usual scene.. is this not?

Is it because we don't have dustbins around us?

Is it because we are uncivilized people?

Is this because we were never taught at schools not to litter?

Did our teachers not scold us when we threw around toffee wrappers or waste paper in the school campus?

Is it because we are just so careless about our surroundings?

Is it because we enjoy living in a dirty place?

Is this how we keep our houses?

Is this where we are supposed to throw the waste that does not belong in our house?

Is it just another thing to blame the government for like we always do, for mistakes we make?

Is it because we can't set an example by following this?

I try to be very careful to use dustbins to throw waste. I've had people laugh at me for that... 

Obviously you don't believe that.. here's one incident. I travel by train everyday to the Institute and back. One such day while returning, I bought myself a bottle of water. Here i must tell you, I (and one of my classmates) have managed to make a few friends ( read acquaintances) who travel daily by the same train. 

We had caught our seats and waited for the train to move... there was still more than an hour to go..

Meanwhile all the water in the bottle had finished, i got up went to the platform to find a dustbin to throw the bottle. When i returned and sat down... one of these people asked me where i had gone.. Knowing my (crazy) habit of obsessing about throwing waste in the dustbin.. my classmate told them that i must've gone to throw the bottle. This guy dismissed it with scoff and said "Why din't you just throw it out of the window?"

I said "I don't litter my home..."
He laughed, pulled out a small piece of paper and gave it to me saying "This is waste, throw this too..."I took the crumpled piece of paper and put it in my pocket and said, i'll throw this when i get back home... the dustbins a little far."

He suddenly changed his tone to say.. "Very good.. that's a very good habit".. I said.. "I'm glad you realized at least now." 


No one spoke for long after that.. 

Its a humble request.. Please keep my home clean... 
Don't tell others, don't preach.. but try and do this yourself. Till it becomes a habit. Its not difficult at all.. Just consider the place around you like you consider your home... keep your surroundings clean. The government has set up Dustbins in public places so that people use them. Do all you can to clean the place. Why do you need to be fined to stop littering... Are you agreeing to the fact that you need to be disciplined because you yourself have no sense of it? Are we not grown up enough to understand?

Gandhi Ji said  "The genesis for change is awareness. We cannot change what we don't acknowledge.."

So "Be the change you want to see in the world..." 

Because this is OUR homeland..

Another Incomplete Love Story # 1

She had been studying with him in the same class for the past 8 months. They'd been good friends and nothing more. They traveled by the same train in the afternoons... but all this while she'd never felt anything for him. And she was sure he hadn't either.

He used to get off one station before her and they'd meet the next day again in class.

A cloudy evening, as usual, after class they both rushed to catch their train. They'd usually part ways in the train. He had a group of friends three coaches away from where she preferred to sit. But today, they were late.

Both of them got there just in time to jump into the train that had started slowly moving. She jumped in first and moved ahead and turned back to make sure he'd followed. Once they got in they figured, the train was so crammed with people that there was not the tiniest place to move in... they got stuck at the foot board.

He leaned against the open door and put his arm across to the other side as if to block that way so that she might not fall. She kept both their bags on the luggage stand behind her and stood leaning back facing him. It was starting to drizzle now and tiny raindrops felt nice against her face after a tiring day. She closed her eyes to enjoy and said.. " so beautiful..".. nodding he replied "hmm..." and watched her, eyes closed facing outwards.

She knew he was watching... she could feel his gaze and it tickled her in a way. She opened her eyes to look at his face and caught him turning away suddenly. This felt oddly nice... As rain started pouring down gradually she watched his arm getting soaked wet and the rain hitting and drenching him on the right side of his back not letting it reach her.

She let out a sigh..

The train jolted suddenly and to keep her balance she held his wrist for a moment and suddenly let go. He looked at her and smiled...

The train had slowed down and the rain was heavy... he suddenly leaned forward towards her.. so close that she could feel his breath against her face.. as she closed her eyes again, the coldness from the rain made her almost wish for a moment that he'd hold her warm. She could feel his arm reaching around her...

 After a short awkward silence she opened her eyes to realize he'd reached behind to pick his bag from the stand, he still stood close their glances met.. for a small moment.

They both looked away at the same time.. and he moved back..

She started giggling and he burst out into a soft laughter watching her.. For a couple of minutes they both laughed as the train pulled up at the station where he was supposed to get down. As he got down and others pushed behind him, he turned back to wink at her.. and she moved back inside smiling at him...

As people moved out, she caught herself a seat and sat there, recollecting that tingling sensation that ran through her in the last few minutes. She thought back on what had just happened and smiled and slapped her forehead softly. This was so silly and so not possible she thought to herself... this would never work out...

The next day she walked into class again, but nothing had changed. She smiled at him and sat in the front most row like she always did. And he smiled back from his seat in the last row of chairs in the room... That afternoon they weren't in the same coach.. he went his way, as she took her usual seat.

Feelingless...

But now I am,
So feelingless...
No joy, no sorrow..
and no distress...

No one to love,
No one to hate...
No strong opinion,
No weak debate...

No will to sing,
No want to dance...
No zest to take,
A risk or chance...

What i had been,
I am no more...
What is today,
Was not before...

What tomorrow is,
I yet don't know...
My victories, my medals,
No more to show...

I am no winner..
I did not win.
A sinner though...
For i did sin...

...

Anjali sat down next to the little star shaped fish pond in her yard. A goldfish chased another under a little cave like structure she'd made with pebbles. The sun was setting, it wouldn't be long before it turned dark and then again another day... days were passing fast, but so emptily. Apart from her college and house work she hadn't much to do. She'd set up her canvas to paint but she was never in the mood and ended up packing it all up and putting it back.

She thought back to see how futile everything she'd done in the past was... and how nothing bore results that made her proud to be herself.. and everything looked like a mistake.. and people.. she'd never understood them. She thought she did, only to be proven wrong every time.

And here she was, where were her friends? she had none she realized. But that didn't make her cry.. She did feel alone.. but not depressingly alone.
It was like she'd created a world of her own. And she was heartless... no, not cruel.. just heartless... like emotionless.. or she'd become like that through time...

She used to like reading till she but then now that there were house chores all the time, she couldn't involve herself in a book as religiously as she used to..

She sighed and stood up.. the fish seemed to do fine.. they didn't have to think or toil.. she fed tehm and cleaned the pond when it needed to be cleaned... they just had to swim around and look beautiful and act tender.

Fetching for the hose to water the plants before night set in, Anjali's thoughts wandered yet again.. Yes she had forgotten him.. and he had forgotten her.. but what she couldn't forget was the child that was no more..
But then again.. had she forgotten him? She had definitely stopped loving him... she loved the old him, the one who used to be with her.. she hated the one who was engaged to that girl.
But that girl knew nothing.. but every time she looked at the mirror.. she thought of the child.. She never thought of him such a coward.. and God knew she wanted to keep it.. but how would she answer others? and it wasn't just about her.. it was about three families...

But then all the time he made her known of his love.. had he been making it up... she couldn't believe it.. no.. he was the  best but then why did he go? Why couldn't he own up for a mistake he made? why did he leave her in the middle of nowhere with no one to help.. and no place to go.. she knew why she'd turned heartless.. she wanted that child back. She knew she'd made the biggest mistake by giving it up...

Teardrop...

A smile that faded...
A heart that cried...
A little wish was made..
it died...

The sun that set...
Silence that spoke...
A heart that only loved..
it broke...

And yet she'd wait...
And smile through tears..
the star of hope that would..
appear...

...A poem...

So I’m back,

Here again…

Weeping and crying...

And dying in pain…

A pain of which

I’d never known...

Unlike being beaten…

Or being stoned…

The pain of knowing...

Something’s amiss...

Being lost in what has been and is…

A dread of losing,

What’s treasured most!

A chapter written…

Another closed…

I see no more…

I hear no more…

Of what is now…

What’s been before…?

I care no less...

If time exists…

This grief, a visitor,

Still visits.

Absorbing into…

Each breath of mine…

A secret plan…

A cruel design…

To take from me,

What is mine…

The earth and heaven did combine…

To conspire and...

To steal it all

And let again

The pain befall

And ruin every

Precious dream

I couldn’t help,

But softly scream...

So soft, that no one

But I could hear

My heart it beat…

And wept with fear

A day, one more…

I begged…I tried…

I swear, I knelt, I prayed…. I cried…

The heaven yet… it did not see…

My tears, it didn’t hear my plea…

Weak, defeated…

And betrayed…

No more reason, to hope or wait…

Shadows and darkness now surround…

Stillness and fear…

All around…

I put out my hand,

For help, I scream…

I fall asleep…

Cry in my dream…

You won’t return,

Once you are gone…

You’ll leave my life…

Ripped and torn…

And from every piece, the dripping blood

Shall kill, destroy…

And stain… and flood…

And finish what,

So far has been…

What is and what’s to be seen…

And all but you shall remain…

To hear my voice, call you again…

You’ll look around,

But find me not…

A voice you knew…

But you forgot…

I’ll whisper that,

I’m in the air…

And run my fingers through your hair…

And touch your lips,

And kiss your eye…

And pretend that

I’m still alive…

Though you won’t

See or feel…

My voice you shall…

Always hear.

For if the world…

Steals you from me…

I’ll die to come…

Where you will be…

And speak to you

Of my love, once more…

And remind you, of that which was before…

-Eva