Random thoughts...

I know something's wrong
You're drifting away..
In a short time we'd come
a long long way...
I knew it was going too well to be true..
I had this fear of losing you...
Like other things and people..
I've loved, I have lost...
I'd want to have you with me..
at any heavy cost...
But things never happen..
the way i want them to..
For I know, I wasn't born lucky enough to have you...

You write.. Its painful to watch the person you love, love someone else...

You held my hand.. you made me feel loved.. you've been there... to listen to me go mad when my world isn't right you seem to make it alright... Through my friend-less days.. you've been like this saving grace for me.. you make me happy.. i crave for those few hours i get to spend with you..

I know you've been silent and hopeful.. but things are not the way you think they are.. there has been just so much more that I've been through... and there's so much more to me than is obvious.. or than what you know of me.. i often think i'll sit down and tell you.. but then those times i spend with you.. I just don't want to ruin them by bringing my old troubles in..

And no i love no one.. no one else..

if i love anyone at all.. I love you more than anyone else right now...

I love it when you hold my hand.. you make me feel wonderful... but i have my limitations... And I say I'm sorry a million times.. because i really am..

A response to what happened today to her..

ok.. So he's important for you because he's helped you out in a million ways.... and you're thankful to him..

But why should he make your decisions? why should he select your friends for you.. why should he take your steps instead of letting you take them.. why should he order you to decide to take a route when you want to take the other??

I cant understand girl why are you letting him do this to you.. I've known you to be a strong woman.. he was instrumental in God's plan of getting you out of some trouble.. That gives him no authority to rule over you..

But i guess it won't make a difference no matter what i say.. you need to experience it yourself.. and decide for yourself..

My click

I sat at the foot board of the train ..while i was travelling back home..

like i do everyday.. sometimes i feel like jumping out.. when we cross over the bridge..

Sometimes in a suicidal way.. on other days just to fall and get lost somewhere in this beautiful stillness ..get merged... and forget all that is there in my life..

Loving Nobody...

You love some people .. once upon a time..

trust them.. think they're good.. change yourselves for them.. be like the way they want you to be or they'd like you to be... you're sure it 'll keep those people close to you...

You do everything to convince them that you value them..

but then one day you make a mistake.. or you don't actually make a mistake but they think you do..

They don't wait to hear your explanation...

They don't want to know why you did whatever you did.. or if you did or did not actually do it..

The shatter everything you'd built.. it all comes crumbling right on top of where you're standing.. crushing you...

And everything you ever did comes back at you like a slap right in your face..

And then you start hating yourself.. for changing from what you were into something you're not.. for someone else.. for doing things which you never wanted to just because they thought it was right..

For being someone you know is fake and so not you.. and you hate this new you..

you hate what you've become..

And then since they've left.. you sit back weep for sometime but stand back on your feet again.. and tell yourself you're going to change back into what you were...

you try and try to return.. but those people are still in your head.. why don't they just leave!!? you ask yourself.. you keep on trying.. and somewhere when you find yourself succeeding you realize a lot of time has passed .. your old self is too old.. so you give up all of it and try and figure out what the present is like.. you try and adapt.. you feel lost often.. but admist all you miss the old you.. hate the last you.. are puzzled about the latest you and clueless about the future you..

You start becoming indifferent.. to people around you.. you hate some people.. you like very few.. the rest don't really bother you...

You start liking books, arts, nature perhaps..and anything that you can enjoy in loneliness.. without opinionated opinions from others...

you go wrong.. but you correct yourself.. and when others try to correct you, you try to figure them out... wonder why they're bothered... you like making your own mistakes and learning from them...

after all you've already made so many mistakes.. a few more won't do much harm..and even if they do.. you can always blame it on fate.. 

and so you're indifferent now... you don't care..

you don't mind being weird.. because what people think doesn't matter... you feel insane sometimes.. in a very nice way...

and then one day.. inside your head.. you ask yourself.. if you still miss those people whom you loved.. once upon a time.. and something in your heart pinches.. feels heavy.. and you deny.. no you don't miss them.. you hate them.. very very much... and your eyes are tearless.. your face wears a smile.. and you love Nobody.. :)

Today i feel...

very weird..
inexplicably...
i don't feel like reacting to anything..
i'm losing things at random ..
receiving teddy bears from people i don't want to know anymore
getting calls from people i forgot..
yea i forget people..
i'm irritated on and off..
I'm not getting to see people i want to see..
I 'm basically feeling weird..
about the place i am at..
about what i'm doing with life..
about the kind of people i'm with..
about the kind of clothes i have to(read> i am forced to) wear..
about my neighbours..
about my hair..
about why i don't lose a little weight..

about my opinions..
about my behavior.. about my thoughts
i think sometimes people find it hard to agree with me..
It wasn't like this always..
I think sometimes the truth is i don't belong here..
here.. where i am ..

i don't hate my life..
I don't particularly like it..
I try making it interesting..
some others ruin it for me.. constantly..
when one set of these "others" go.. or i get rid of them, the next set appears.. to make my life weird..
i have been suicidal.. i won't deny.. but i am not anymore.. very often i just shrug to myself and say.. wtf.. let it be as it is.. let's see where this goes..

but then ... i feel weird about everything

Today i feel...

So so messed up..!
where's everything headed too..
things going out of control..
people talking weird, acting weird..
i don't understand whether or not to react..
I just don't want to make anything any worse than it already is..
I can't figure things out..
I can't figure people out...
I feel so SO messed up!!

Random..

I have no clue why after a long long time today
I miss you!
I wonder where you are
how u are
what you're up to
if you still are the same
if you still smile the same way..

Today i feel...

Dead Inside...
like within me i just don't exist...
I am
but I am not...
I see it all
whither... rot..
Everything's falling apart..
there is no end.. where was the start?
A voice there was..
Inn the back of my head..
That too is gone..
the voice is dead...

An interesting image i came across...

tehhehehehe..
whoever thought of this.. lol

(Added later: The following is for those who asked me doubts on the words)
OMG(oh my god)
WTF(yea every one knows this now)
STFU(shut the fk up)
PWNED(u r pwned= defeated or under my control)
UR A NOOb(ur a newbie = pronounced 'noo+bee' like scooby)
LMAO(laugh my ass of)
ROTF(rolling on the floor laughing)
KTHX( ok thanks)
BYE (duh!)
:P

Today i feel...

Couldn't care less..
I don't feel anything.
I'm feelingless today..

Today i feel...

ILL!
Very very ill...
I hate being ill... medicines are YUCK!

Today i feel...

I feel so so so lazy today....

woke up at 5:30 in the morning...

cleaned around a bit, being procrastinative about evrything all day :D

I'm even sleepy now... my mom wont let me sleep...

I spent most of my day talking to people over the phone today.

Played the guitar(very loudly) for some time when mom wasn't home..

I'll do the class report tomorrow..

Psychedelic...

My eyes were still open...I was not asleep...

but a dream I saw..as if in slumber deep...

What I saw, I really cannot explain...

I  wonder if I'll ever see it again...

Fog, black and red... rose up high

In misty swirls, towards the sky...

Sillhouettes of heads, on tree-tops...

Fire behind them that wouldn't stop...

Colours, blue and pink and green..

Red and black and shades of cream....

Stars falling to the ground...

Rays of the Sun, shooting off a cloud...

Fire arose from a water stream...

I 'm sure it was, not a dream..

And under the tree, made of fog there sat..

Still and quiet, a mysterious cat...

It blinked its eyes..while I stared on...

I was scared to blink, lest it all be gone...

But then my eyes... did suddenly close...

I felt a shiver, in my toes...

And when I opened my i eyes, I did see...

People and birds and streets and trees...

What I saw I still cannot explain...

I'll wait till I see it again....

Today i feel...

So, they aren't talking to me... they can't forgive..

i've heard anger and sadness become indifference...

today it didn't matter much..

I think I feel 

<<

However, I'm thankful to the three people among the whole group who've been nice to me.. :) and who tried to make me feel okay... :)

Today i feel...

I'm still wondering where i was wrong.. I did not mean to offend anyone.. I was just doing the work assigned to me...

I apologized but obviously that made no difference...

But it isn't fair that all of the should be against me, even those who aren't directly involved in this..

So,

<<

Today i feel...

Self-explanatory ..huh??
<<<< Yea.. today i feel!!!

Cruel.. CRUEL world!

Such a bad day..

Sometimes people are just so cruel..

They just choose to boycott you...

It isn't fair sometimes..

I don't complain always but it hurts alright?

So, i think different and talk different and come from a different place.. does that mean i don't feel the same? get hurt the same?

I wish i could be just indifferent to all of it... I'm trying to be... It's hard.

...

I saw you last week..after days on end..

I swear it was so hard to pretend...

That I hadn't missed you all this while..

I missed your eyes, your talk, your smile...

But beyond that, it's hard you know..

The way i feel, not to show...

I wonder within my head sometimes..

Are you ignorant, are you blind?

Or do you also just pretend..

To have forgotten the time we'd spent...

Do you not think of, and miss..

the love, the cuddle and the kiss...

For when I  did but look at you..

I wished to see you miss me too..

A smile i did see on your face...

The one I missed for all these days...

But wasn't sure what was on your mind...

were you too searching for the same to find...

I wonder if you realized...

that when I walked on the other side..

and turned around a million times..

I wished, to see you smile each time...

Sometimes i wish i had you still...

But then i think to myself.. You walked away when I needed you.. you used me for your selfish ends...

Why should I then bother...

But yet...

I wish you knew...

I miss you still...