Contemplation

I wish no one was here

Sometimes, I like being alone...

Left to be with myself,

to look into my own soul

To weigh my actions and thoughts

To count my own mistakes

To sing to myself a song that calms

my heart down when it aches...

To have a few moments of silence

or unaccompanied stroll..

To comfort and to strengthen

My weak and weary soul...

Some time to give to Him,

Whom I've known to be God

Since childhood, in times of need

The name I've called upon...

Some time away from my world

when in a confused state...

I need some time in solitude

to stop and contemplate...

I feel undone

I'm walking towards oblivion..
Fog and mist surrounds..
Helplessness and numbness..
both know, no bounds...
Things seem unreal..
not like in a pleasant dream..
but a nightmare, unraveling..
I try hard to scream..
But all in vain, I struggle..
I can't wake up so, i try...
And un-awake still in my dream...
I hear a distant cry...

I wait..

Life isn't a bed of roses
What man proposes,
God disposes...

You constantly try to achieve..
But fail to have faith,
or believe...

Trying to hide or escape..
Is like making
a foolish mistake..

For destiny is already written...
To face which,
One must be strong within..

But I know I am but weak..
With a shivering frame and
trembling knees...

I wait to face what does await..
An unknown future..
unseen fate..

-Evangeline

Old devout lady..

I remember her face..
Wrinkled ...old..
but this certain calmness...
seems to hold..
her frail frame..
and shivering hands..
and unsteady feet,
while she stands...
her lips moved..
ceaseless in prayer..
Her silverish hair..
reflected sunlight..
her face ..so pure..
and skin so white..
and about her was 
this divine glow..
and music around her..
soft and slow..

...

Choices are difficult to make often

For some "shackles" cannot be broken..

Some promises cannot be fulfilled..

Dreams so oft forgotten.. killed..

Games played with moves crooked..

Words spoken for reasons wicked..

And oft we turn to the invisible power..

And pray to Him for un-lasting hours...

To save us from the "fowler's snare"..

Help us, our heavy cross to bear...

We think we've such faith in prayer

Each step yet take with doubt and care..

In vain, not knowing what is to be..

For future, we can't touch, hear or see...

-Evangeline

When I'm gone..

When I'm gone..

Will you cry..

Will you miss me?

When i die?

Will you think..

of times we spent..

Will you weep?

My dear friend..

How often will you

remember me?

Would you always 

come to see?

and place a flower

at my grave..

To see me once more

will you crave?

Will you pray 

that my soul rests..

At gates of heaven

I pass my tests..

And in peace

my soul to be..

to wander unbound,

and be free..

I say I shall 

then look at you..

and on my knees 

I'll pray for you..

And plead angels..

to attend..

and gifts from heaven

I shall send..

In your dreams,

you'll hear my voice..

I'll watch you smile

I shall rejoice..

The cup..

I watched carefully as the cup..
was slowly to its brim filled up..
I saw the ale overflow..
To the red carpet below..

The scepter in my hand I held..
Triumph! the cat had been belled..
Magic I did then behold..
I watched your eyes slowly close..

Your lips quivered and I did smile...
The ale flowed right down the aisle
And yet the cup, untouched was left..
Of its completeness .. still bereft...

- Evangeline

Waiting..

I kept on waiting 

for I was told..

In some time...

I would behold..

It would come..
Beside this tree ..

I was so eager, then to see...

But I've been waiting for so long..

Was this the place.. did i hear wrong?

My legs ache..

and hunger and thirst

visit me oft... one after the first...

I can't keep track of time...

But i see dusk and dawn....

I've stopped keeping track

of each day that goes..

The path i'm on leads to nowhere..

I stand still... I stare.. I stare..I stare...

To an endless seam of the earth and sky...

far off i see.. a few birds fly..

breaking stillness..and the only sound..

is the flap of their wings and the cry of a hound..

And I lost stand amidst my own thoughts..

I'm waiting still .. I see it not..

Psychedelic...

My eyes were still open...I was not asleep...

but a dream I saw..as if in slumber deep...

What I saw, I really cannot explain...

I  wonder if I'll ever see it again...

Fog, black and red... rose up high

In misty swirls, towards the sky...

Sillhouettes of heads, on tree-tops...

Fire behind them that wouldn't stop...

Colours, blue and pink and green..

Red and black and shades of cream....

Stars falling to the ground...

Rays of the Sun, shooting off a cloud...

Fire arose from a water stream...

I 'm sure it was, not a dream..

And under the tree, made of fog there sat..

Still and quiet, a mysterious cat...

It blinked its eyes..while I stared on...

I was scared to blink, lest it all be gone...

But then my eyes... did suddenly close...

I felt a shiver, in my toes...

And when I opened my i eyes, I did see...

People and birds and streets and trees...

What I saw I still cannot explain...

I'll wait till I see it again....

...

I saw you last week..after days on end..

I swear it was so hard to pretend...

That I hadn't missed you all this while..

I missed your eyes, your talk, your smile...

But beyond that, it's hard you know..

The way i feel, not to show...

I wonder within my head sometimes..

Are you ignorant, are you blind?

Or do you also just pretend..

To have forgotten the time we'd spent...

Do you not think of, and miss..

the love, the cuddle and the kiss...

For when I  did but look at you..

I wished to see you miss me too..

A smile i did see on your face...

The one I missed for all these days...

But wasn't sure what was on your mind...

were you too searching for the same to find...

I wonder if you realized...

that when I walked on the other side..

and turned around a million times..

I wished, to see you smile each time...

Sometimes i wish i had you still...

But then i think to myself.. You walked away when I needed you.. you used me for your selfish ends...

Why should I then bother...

But yet...

I wish you knew...

I miss you still...

The walk..

So, you tread on pebbles when you walk on a road...

I've tread on pebbles too,,,

big ones and small..

I stumble, I fall...

And get myself back on my feet again..

Walk and think I'll be careful this time..

So when I walk, I watch out

At all that is in sight, I doubt..

But now that i watch and doubt and look..

I cannot enjoy the road i took...

I'd rather enjoy, I decide

I cast my doubts, my fears aside

And I stumble on a rock again...

But this one time, I don't complain..

For I decided to stumble and fall..

A bruise it made, really small...

After all what's life without mistakes..

How unexciting without risks you take...

Don't call me careless, do not judge

I have no complaints, I have no grudge..

For my days of crying are long gone..

I don't care, of what's right or what's wrong..

It 'll happen again, I don't fight anymore

The pain's all gone, it hurts no more..

:)

Mortalitas incomitata..

And i try..
To hold the pieces together,
and not cry.. For i know,
if i were to let go ..
There will be a void..
But i..
So feelinglessly hold it tied.. Its a lie..
I have nomore to say..
Im mortal.. Im alone..

...

And pensively i lay.. looking into endlessness...
my thoughts, my self, all at war within
I softly smiled.. insane i felt..
For inside my head i could feel my mind writhe..
For every time i smiled..
I heard my mind mock me..
for putting up a show..
for defying...
for pretending..
for denying..
but relentlessly smiling.. with no meaning..

I laughed at myself.. for reaching this point..
my own foolishness, my own mistakes..
but perhaps it would mount up soon..
to reach a level where it would hurt no more..

-Evangeline

another poem...

I know you’re just one of them…

My heart but does not understand…

It looks on, in hopes so vain

And stretches out a hopeful hand…

Desiring still, that you will be

The one to hold this hand in need…

Inside my head, a voice but warns…

Against all that my heart does plead…

-Evangeline

Feelingless...

But now I am,
So feelingless...
No joy, no sorrow..
and no distress...

No one to love,
No one to hate...
No strong opinion,
No weak debate...

No will to sing,
No want to dance...
No zest to take,
A risk or chance...

What i had been,
I am no more...
What is today,
Was not before...

What tomorrow is,
I yet don't know...
My victories, my medals,
No more to show...

I am no winner..
I did not win.
A sinner though...
For i did sin...

Teardrop...

A smile that faded...
A heart that cried...
A little wish was made..
it died...

The sun that set...
Silence that spoke...
A heart that only loved..
it broke...

And yet she'd wait...
And smile through tears..
the star of hope that would..
appear...

...A poem...

So I’m back,

Here again…

Weeping and crying...

And dying in pain…

A pain of which

I’d never known...

Unlike being beaten…

Or being stoned…

The pain of knowing...

Something’s amiss...

Being lost in what has been and is…

A dread of losing,

What’s treasured most!

A chapter written…

Another closed…

I see no more…

I hear no more…

Of what is now…

What’s been before…?

I care no less...

If time exists…

This grief, a visitor,

Still visits.

Absorbing into…

Each breath of mine…

A secret plan…

A cruel design…

To take from me,

What is mine…

The earth and heaven did combine…

To conspire and...

To steal it all

And let again

The pain befall

And ruin every

Precious dream

I couldn’t help,

But softly scream...

So soft, that no one

But I could hear

My heart it beat…

And wept with fear

A day, one more…

I begged…I tried…

I swear, I knelt, I prayed…. I cried…

The heaven yet… it did not see…

My tears, it didn’t hear my plea…

Weak, defeated…

And betrayed…

No more reason, to hope or wait…

Shadows and darkness now surround…

Stillness and fear…

All around…

I put out my hand,

For help, I scream…

I fall asleep…

Cry in my dream…

You won’t return,

Once you are gone…

You’ll leave my life…

Ripped and torn…

And from every piece, the dripping blood

Shall kill, destroy…

And stain… and flood…

And finish what,

So far has been…

What is and what’s to be seen…

And all but you shall remain…

To hear my voice, call you again…

You’ll look around,

But find me not…

A voice you knew…

But you forgot…

I’ll whisper that,

I’m in the air…

And run my fingers through your hair…

And touch your lips,

And kiss your eye…

And pretend that

I’m still alive…

Though you won’t

See or feel…

My voice you shall…

Always hear.

For if the world…

Steals you from me…

I’ll die to come…

Where you will be…

And speak to you

Of my love, once more…

And remind you, of that which was before…

-Eva