I wait..

Life isn't a bed of roses
What man proposes,
God disposes...

You constantly try to achieve..
But fail to have faith,
or believe...

Trying to hide or escape..
Is like making
a foolish mistake..

For destiny is already written...
To face which,
One must be strong within..

But I know I am but weak..
With a shivering frame and
trembling knees...

I wait to face what does await..
An unknown future..
unseen fate..

-Evangeline

Silhouette..

It was almost 7 in the evening and Karen sat on the side of the window looking towards the busy street with slow moving traffic... It was drizzling slightly and the city looked damp and dreary. 

She'd been back from office early today and had placed herself at the same spot for about an hour and a half now..She'd been sitting there in her favorite grey t-shirt and a packet of cigarettes almost halfway through.. Her face showed no particular expression, it looked almost blank. Her curly hair looked unkempt and her eyes looked sad..

Her motionlessness, though, made her look feeling-less in a very tired sort of a way...

Karen's house was on the 8th floor, a three room apartment, barely furnished. She stayed here with her golden Labrador whom she called Spot. Karen had very few friends, mostly from work, but they were never with her beyond office hours. She did hang out with Aaron, but that had been only till last  night. 

She had no clue why he'd left all of a sudden, he'd blamed her of lying to him... she didn't remember doing so.. She'd made quite sure infact, that she never hid things from him.. she was sure he knew her, way too well .. she just couldn't figure out. She had tried calling him again and again and again... he answered once to tell her it was "over".

She felt helpless... But then she knew there was no use trying.. he did not appear interested in getting back together.. she pretended she enjoyed being alone.. the truth was that she felt lonely... her own mistakes were the cause she believed always but for this once...she had just no idea!

Spot lay at her feet .. She hadn't switched on the lights yet... the bright lights from the street lamps made only her silhouette visible from within the apartment..

She did wish he'd return..

She missed him, but then.. Que Sera Sera.

Old devout lady..

I remember her face..
Wrinkled ...old..
but this certain calmness...
seems to hold..
her frail frame..
and shivering hands..
and unsteady feet,
while she stands...
her lips moved..
ceaseless in prayer..
Her silverish hair..
reflected sunlight..
her face ..so pure..
and skin so white..
and about her was 
this divine glow..
and music around her..
soft and slow..

The cute dog :)

Here 's the pomeranian I was talking about...
cute cute cute!!!
fell in love with it..
Just loved its tail.. wags it so cutely!
The call it mickey :)

Today...

Okay so we visited St. Thomas Church (read the post under this to know more)...

The church is on top of  a hill, which you have to walk up... this hill is divided into 14 stations of the cross.

Climbing up that hill was torturous for the first three stations, beyond which.. I think we just get used to the climbing and continue.. though it appears slightly easier hereafter..

We were 5 people dad, mom, neha, me and dad's friend Tony. I was the first to reach the top (surprisingly),Tony bhayia followed... neha came panting up ( and asked tony bhayiya at every station "iniyum undo?!"

And then there's this rock that is claimed to have the footprints of St. Thomas, while people were looking at it, someone asked whose footprints these were, Neha chipped in.. "Mr. Thomas'...", causing people to glare at her and my mom to giggle( a bit harder than she usually does) ..

Returned to Tony bhaiyaa's place a few minutes back, and that's where I'm writing this post now...

That's almost it.. they have a really cute brown pomeranian here whose picture i shall put up in the next post perhaps.. 

Evangeline :)

Today

Just been lost.. nothing to write..

Almost feelingless..

I think things are falling into place slowly.. I'm hopeful..

On my way to Malayatoor, St. Thomas Church... with my family..

Read More about the church on Wikipedia 

When I told Anoop the same through sms, he sent me a message back asking "Oh! Prarthana margathileku thirinjo?!" ;) [translated: so...turning to prayer huh :P]

Image Courtesy: Wikipedia (St. Thomas Church)

...

Choices are difficult to make often

For some "shackles" cannot be broken..

Some promises cannot be fulfilled..

Dreams so oft forgotten.. killed..

Games played with moves crooked..

Words spoken for reasons wicked..

And oft we turn to the invisible power..

And pray to Him for un-lasting hours...

To save us from the "fowler's snare"..

Help us, our heavy cross to bear...

We think we've such faith in prayer

Each step yet take with doubt and care..

In vain, not knowing what is to be..

For future, we can't touch, hear or see...

-Evangeline

Do Fish Sleep?

I was watching the fish in my fish pond at home .. A question that's always kept me wondering is whether fish sleep or not. My mother told me once that she saw the goldfish in our pond almost leaning on the small pebbles we've put in it. I almost didn't believe her until today when i finally managed to give up laziness(:P) and do a search on the web for an answer.

I learnt that fish do sleep, but not quite like we humans do.. It's more like, they go into a "resting phase" with reduced activity of brain and body.. except sharks which have to keep moving to push water through their mouths in order to breathe..

Now let's not give my fingers all that exercise with so much typing(:P), Here's a few links you could check for the answer:

1. Big Question: Wordpress

2. Ask a scientist

3. Discoverymagazine 

4. Lifeslittlemysteries

When I'm gone..

When I'm gone..

Will you cry..

Will you miss me?

When i die?

Will you think..

of times we spent..

Will you weep?

My dear friend..

How often will you

remember me?

Would you always 

come to see?

and place a flower

at my grave..

To see me once more

will you crave?

Will you pray 

that my soul rests..

At gates of heaven

I pass my tests..

And in peace

my soul to be..

to wander unbound,

and be free..

I say I shall 

then look at you..

and on my knees 

I'll pray for you..

And plead angels..

to attend..

and gifts from heaven

I shall send..

In your dreams,

you'll hear my voice..

I'll watch you smile

I shall rejoice..

Dear Diary..

It's difficult.. you won't understand ..
Why I'm stuck here I can't figure out...
It feels silly today..
I wish things would sort out themselves..
I wish I could explain..
There's so much to explain.. so much to tell, I just don't know where to start or where to end..
I'm confused in my own head..
But then there's no point explaining..
For a first, you won't listen..
And then.. erm.. Its just a lot..

But i should let you know..
It was something I cherished. Something I will always.

Dear Diary..

I swear in my heart i try and try..
But within myself I constantly die..
you care not.. you wouldn't know..
But you shall reap.. what you did sow..
And when one day you shall weep..
your deeds, in kind when you shall reap..
You'll remember all you did to me..
And cry each tear you didn't see..


----
I hate today..
----

He regrets, throwing the stick into the pond...
I come to know of it today.

---

Evangeline.

Dear Diary..

It was mostly a boring day today.. and since GK went back and joined office, the only time throughout the day  I used to look forward to is finally over..

Hung around the press club after class .. sulking..

Its wonderful how simple acts can make people important in one's life.

And then there are these others who just screw up a relationship you so wanted. Make fun of the way you felt for them and make you look like a cheap fool.

Its surprising how different people have different opinions about the same person. Its all about perception then isn't it.. No matter what you do .. some people just like you.. and no matter what you do .. some people just hate you..

And i don't have any particular liking for people who hate me :P their bad.. :D

I painted all nails on my left hand in diff colors today.. Here's a pic :D you can't see the thumb in this it's a shade of silver..

Now that took care of my boredom for a while.. as i cheerfully walked around, showing it off to everyone i came across.. Of course you can guess what reactions i got.. but I'm keeping this till the paint wears off :D

Also, today Anas lost his phone on the train.. He told me he was going to run away from home because he was scared to go and tell them this back home.. But then i think he went home..

I miss Neha so much ... 

Papa's about to come home this week..

I'm waiting eagerly...

The cup..

I watched carefully as the cup..
was slowly to its brim filled up..
I saw the ale overflow..
To the red carpet below..

The scepter in my hand I held..
Triumph! the cat had been belled..
Magic I did then behold..
I watched your eyes slowly close..

Your lips quivered and I did smile...
The ale flowed right down the aisle
And yet the cup, untouched was left..
Of its completeness .. still bereft...

- Evangeline

To this certain person i don't like...

I stand against the rules you've set, I do not agree with you..

the distinctions you make between wrong and right..

What makes you think you can decide what's wrong, what's right?

You can't.. no one can.. unless you don't know the context of an action or a decision...

When a person makes a choice there maybe a million reasons he or she decides to choose that particular thing.. why be judgmental?

And when you yourself make a mistake... you expect people to understand why you did so...

you had no other way out or you didn't mean to or it was an accident.. and when others make a mistake you condemn them...

You do wrong things.. deliberately... hidden.. and when others do the same you talk behind their backs and tell everyone of how wrong you think they are..such hypocrisy! 

Why not just let things be.. let one follow his or her way.. stop poking your nose.. and zip your lips together..Seriously just stfu!

I mean.. why do you speak so much.. no one wants to hear you... At least i don't!

I hate the way you laugh at stupid things... and make fun of people.. you actually make a fool out of yourself..

Seriously... STFU!

I just hate you for your stupid need for attention.. making yourself loud.. coming out with your utterly ridiculous opinions on things that  don't concern you... seriously just STFU!

and of all I hate your intense interest in wanting to know everything that's happening to everyone else.. no wonder your own life is so fcked up...

You just can't see others happy or successful...

omg seriously.. jst stfu!

Not-a-Happy Birthday

Yesterday I completed 23 years and moved on to the 24th year in my life..
but yesterday was my worst birthday...
I'm glad though that Neha came home...

Waiting..

I kept on waiting 

for I was told..

In some time...

I would behold..

It would come..
Beside this tree ..

I was so eager, then to see...

But I've been waiting for so long..

Was this the place.. did i hear wrong?

My legs ache..

and hunger and thirst

visit me oft... one after the first...

I can't keep track of time...

But i see dusk and dawn....

I've stopped keeping track

of each day that goes..

The path i'm on leads to nowhere..

I stand still... I stare.. I stare..I stare...

To an endless seam of the earth and sky...

far off i see.. a few birds fly..

breaking stillness..and the only sound..

is the flap of their wings and the cry of a hound..

And I lost stand amidst my own thoughts..

I'm waiting still .. I see it not..

100 steps

I walked a hundred steps from where you and me parted ways.. 

the first ten steps I cried my heart out....

the next ten steps I turned around after every step to see if you were calling me back

the next ten steps I walked with my head hung low feeling hurt and cheated

the next ten steps I wanted my life to end.. I felt like my heart would stop beating and burst with pain

the next ten steps I missed holding your hand and thought of all that you had meant to me..

the next ten steps I hated you for having done this to me..

the next ten steps I hated myself for letting you do this to me...

the next ten steps I hated the whole world and told myself I don't want to know you anymore..

the next ten steps I said "what the fck!! I don't need anyone.." and taught myself to feel strong even while I was alone

the next 9 steps I laughed at the world and at you for being one among them..

The last one step a tear escaped my eye, when i heard that song which we both loved and I missed you ever so much.. and I wished you were mine...

...

And now i know, you're just one of them..

Nothing different about you either..

Only if you knew I thought you were better..

Till the moment something as frivolous as this became something of such a great deal to you..

If only you understood that you've lately been so much to me that i've turned to you everytime i lost hope ...

Where trust does not live.. love disappears...

It matters not..

I'm still learning.. from mistakes..

I constantly make..

:(

Amidst all my pain, sorrow and suffering which i went through in the last one day(maybe a little more), as an obvious result of my own mistake, left me answerless... There were a couple of people trying to keep me cheerful..

I'm thankful to them.

I couldn't justify what i did... Pilfering.. is not justifiable.. why i call it this word and not the other word is to make myself less guilty of my act.

Mom is angry.. :(

Tired...

But then it just continues... and there's no use crying.. but the tears won't stop..
Yesterday it was the same..
Today its been this way..
Tomorrow so shall it be...

Things don't change .. i wan't them to..
I should change.. I don't want to..
Though I'm tired of being myself...
I just don't think i can pretend
To be someone that I am not..

Random..

So admist all my troubles..
I had One person trying immensely well to calm me down.
One acting heroic and trying to find solutions (with no apparent effect).

Dizzy... (-.-)zzzZZ

Work had been tiring.. Dizzy (as he had pseudonym-ed himself) sat at his table halfway through his work.. he sighed deeply... There was just so much happening.. yet so little.. he couldn't figure out a thing.. Yea, he could boast about being an engineer and all that... but sometimes.. life was just so difficult, so irksome!

Scratching his eyebrow and with a wrinkled forehead, he looked upwards. Not particularly at anything.. Not at the ceiling but towards it. He never thought of himself as much of a writer.. he wrote.. but mostly for himself.. just random penning down of thoughts. He looked at the scribble pad that lay next to the Monitor. The first sheet was filled with cartoons that he'd managed to scribble between work. He pulled out the paper leaf underneath and began to write... 

10 minutes later, he sat back as he signed of "dizzy"... he'd managed almost a page, before he placed the pen carefully back in the pen stand and got up for an evening snack...
(Click on the image(to enlarge) to read what he wrote.. :D)

---
P.S:
This "scribble" originally belongs to my friend Siddharth.
Thank you Sid for sharing this and letting me use it on my blog... I Pray things'll be fine soon :P
And btw.. you are a pretty good writer :D

Stella(cont.)

She drew her chair closer to mine, and opened the album... the first page had a picture in the center of the page, a family photo... how many people it? four...

She didn't look up, softly said pointing to the people in the picture, "My mom, my dad, my younger sister and that's me...

They all looked happy... smiling faces.

"I Love my family... I miss them..."

I didn't know what to say or how to respond, i couldn't understand... where was her family! What happened? A lot of questions came to me, but i knew it wasn't the time to ask... i knew i had to be patient and wait for her to start speaking and i'd get my answers..

She swept her fingers across the photograph silently and looked up, and this time there wasn't any veiling of expressions... i saw it.. her eyes, they held a troubled expression... the kinds that make you pray inside your head to the almighty that the other person be alright, that make you wonder what it could be...

She turned the page... a couple, newly married... 

The young lady had a pretty face and an enchanting smile, black long hair and expressive eyes, dusky complexion and the mole on her chin made her look prettier... and she bore such an amazing resemblance to Stella only if she were also smiling...

"That's my mother... And that," she said pointing to the fine young man, "...is my father", She stopped to take a breath and continued, "They moved in...

Stella(cont.)

I was waiting for her to return, meanwhile I sat in my chair and looked around the living room, beautifully done, a shade of peach and the orange lights gave it the effect of a sunset… the scanty but bright furniture and the maroon carpet on the floor made the room look redder. The small round dining table with just four chairs around it was where I was sitting… the white china cups were simple but looked expensive. I looked out of the big glass window-wall the only but sufficient source of natural light into the room, the window looked onto a big park where children played… 

While I watched the little girls waiting for their turn on the swings, Stella came out of the room with a huge red book in her hand. She sat down again on the same chair, made enough place on the table to keep the book, which by now, I had realized was a photo-album…

old blog

Stella(cont.)

She smiled, got up and walked towards her bedroom without saying a thing.

Stella entered the room; everything was in place like always. A room with three walls painted navy blue and white on the roof, the fourth wall covered with a big mirror made the room look bigger than it actually was. Against the wall that faced the mirror was a double bed with three white pillows at the head, the white bed sheet properly spread and tucked in the corners, a blanket folded into half and covered half of the bed, and the two stuffed toy puppies on either side of the bed made it her favorite place in the three roomed apartment that she owned. The bed was right next to a window as wide as the length of the bed, curtains the same shade of the walls with silver lace and ribbons on the side, made the room look royal. A black guitar leaned against the wall in a corner. A small corner table right next to the bed had a little white lampshade and beside it was a beautiful photo frame in crystal with an old family photograph in it. The adjacent wall had a teak cupboard. She opened the cupboard; clothes, washed and ironed, were neatly piled up in the shelves. At the bottom of the cupboard were three drawers; she reached down to the one in the middle and pulled it put. Stella was very particular with her things; she knew where what was kept. She pulled what she had come into the room for, closed the drawer, closed the cupboard, and turned around to look at the silver clock that hung between two paintings, one of Napoleon Bonaparte and his horse and the other a landscape, on the opposite wall. The clock ran 15 minutes faster than the actual time, that’s the way she’d always kept it, the way her mother had taught her. The clock had been a gift from one of her close friends when she’d left to move in to where she was now living, real silver with a blue face and silver hands, matched perfectly with the room...

Old blog

Stella(cont.)

Over a cup of tea one evening at Stella’s place I asked her about her family. We had discussed a lot, about various things, but never really about her family. 

She fell quiet for a minute or two, sighed and said, “It’s a long story…” 

Was I imagining a momentary dazed look in her eyes? If I was not, then she was quick enough to veil it behind an intelligent firm expression on her face.

A long pause after that left me wondering what to say next. I tried giving her a look that would tell her that I was willing to sit and listen to the story no matter how long it was. But all that came out was “Hmmm…” and a slight nod.

She smiled…



Old Blog

Stella...

Stella 27, a journalist also works as a social activist supporting women's rights and fighting against sexual harassment and assault on women. She's happy the way she is, single, lives alone in an apartment, does not plan to marry. I met her at a gathering, a friend introduced us and gradually we became friends, very good friends infact. She invited me to the meetings her group had, i found her to be an amazing orator, a strong woman and her words were such that they'd leave you thinking forever. There were times when she suddenly went silent over some question that people would ask her...

She..

She Wept, She cried...

She felt impure..

A wound inflicted..

It had no cure..

She knew not what to,

Say or do...

She could not start...

Her life anew...

She said all through,

Her helpless cries...

No hope left in her tearless eyes...

She felt as if she'd...

Lost the race...

Fear and sadness,

Swept her face

Who'd know the value

of her dried up tears?

Who'd hear her silence?

Lend patient ears..






(An old poem i found on one of my old blogs )

online...

Just like i learnt how to play the guitar with free online lessons (:D)

i tried experimenting with learning how to play drums.. ( armed with a pair of drumsticks and a rubber pad to tap on..)

a Google search, a few websites, a few more than couple of trials with the drumsticks, and mom's yelling about the sound later.. I decided it was a bad idea..and that everything can't be learnt online by everyone.. and managed to write this entry instead...

Also meanwhile, chatting with George(whom my mother referred to as the "white colored fellow" for his pinkyish-fair skin i think), Neha's friend.. who called me crazy for saying that I live in a box..

I like the idea of living in a box.. only if you'd understand what the box is.. not that i'm going to explain it..

But he made me realize(even while he didn't know he was doing so) that i love my mom.. even with her "these unnatural, unexpected, shrill-voiced, incomprehensible type of outbursts of a very lecture-ous nature" (as I told him on the chat...)

I also figured during this chat.. that i have bookmarked 32 pages since I've started using this laptop and i haven't opened any of them ever again.. except Akshaya's blog which i bookmarked yesterday.

So anyway, today was an okay okay day.. i ate a lot of things.. junk things... and read out the ingredients in Coca-cola to GK.. i think that was the most exciting thing about today (So you can imagine what the rest was like)..

I'm wishing right now, that a tree would grow outside my house .. a tree that has money instead of leaves( Indian currency preferred for i really don't have time to go exchange currency). Don't ask me why I am wishing that.. I wish a lot of things.. not many of them happen..

Chester's(my dog) barking his guts out... he hates me right now for not having given him his food on time..

I guess i should go do that..

Just right now I can see my mom staring at a custard apple that's growing in the lawn.. 1 custard apple... I think she's trying to figure out by looking at it for long .. if its ripe or not..

Mom's and Dad's are geniuses aren't they...  Somehow one of them always has an answer to your question... and if they don't .. they look it up with you.. :D.. online...

Image courtesy
Image 1: http://www.enquire.org.uk/
Image 2: http://beingbrenna.wordpress.com/ 

My List :D

My list of top five things I enjoy drinking(non-alcoholic) :P

1. Coffee

2. Green Apple Soda at cafe coffee day

3. Plain water

4. Watermelon juice

5. Nimbu Pani

My list of top ten things I enjoy eating (non chocolate):

1. Maggi 2 minute noodles (anytime!!)

2. Ham and cheese sandwich at Cocoa Tree - Cochin

3. Anything from the menu at Dal Roti- Fort Kochi

4. Lays American style Cream and Onion flavour

5. Watermelons

6. Oranges

7.Gol Gappas / Pani Puri

8. Tomato ketchup

9. Fruit salads without bananas

10. Fish Fingers and French Fries :P

Don't give me a lecture on unhealthy food habits.. i don't eat these things everyday .. i just enjoy eating them whenever i can :P

Image Courtesy :  

Image 1: http://www.thecattylife.com/

Image 2: dularis.blogspot.com/ 

A response to what happened today to her..

So... whatever makes you think you can RULE over her.. 

I just don't understand.. such a dirty game your playing..

Alright you know everything about her.. You've helped her out a million(ha!) times... SO?

SO DOES THAT entitle you to stop her from making her own choices and check her at every step?! Why does she have to explain to you everything? 

Why do you always boast of the things you did to help her out? 

I help old or blind people to cross roads.. I don't expect anything in return.. To help is one thing.. to LEND is entirely different.. for when you lend something.. or do someone a favor.. you can expect them to be indebted to you.. or return the favor. But when you help you do it with no expectation!!

But you are doing none of these MISTER!! You..worse..  are trying to buy.. with these "helps" that you manage to do for her.. ! Her happiness... her freedom.. her choice... her decisions.. her desires and ways to want to live her life..

Its a shame.. for the way you question her.. you're neither her parent, nor her sibling... neither her gaurdian, nor her lover.. you were her friend.. who she thought .. was helping her... and she trusted on you and told you all about herself.. trusted on you to "help" her out.. and today she stands feeling helpless and trapped as you go around policing her and ruling her.. and making everything awkward for her.. stopping her from talking to people... stopping her from going places without you...

She will rise up against you soon I'm sure.. for when a woman's mind is agitated.. irritation isn't far behind.. retaliation follows soon.. hatred is what is at hand... and destruction is the end of all...

wordgames

For my love of word games.. here's a link ..
http://www.nerdtests.com/ft_maw.php